At the end of each year I like to reflect on those things that I have accomplished over the past year, as a reminder that I am not wasting my days day-dreaming (a common complaint on my report cards as a child).  Although I find it hard to believe, this past year, along with its ups and downs, was even better than the last.  This is my gratitude list:

• More wonderful exhibits at Inglewood Fine Arts & Evanescence Gallery (with another opening in the new year).
• Workshops, demonstrations and teaching...a huge leap and an honor to connect with so many lovely people.
• More articles published in Cloth Paper Scissors, Studios, AirdrieLIFE, and several newspapers. 
• Contribution to En{coeur}age on the Deep-Soul Call of the Artist, to Your HeART Makes a Difference, Do What You Love and Creative Sugar on my life journey as an artist.
• My first public art project in my community - the painted utility box.
• Curated and hung six new exhibits at our public library.
• Completed the third annual AIRdirondack Art Project and began planning for the fourth.
• One of my canoes was included in the first annual Art-in-Motion transit program.  
• Coordinated several arts events at the library for the second annual ARTember a two-week celebration of arts.
• Another canoe was selected for The Naked Leaf tea tin.
• I had the privilege of writing for Seth Apter's 'The Pulse of Mixed Media' by Northlight Publishing.  
• And I still have so much to look forward to in 2013, an exhibit at the Federation Gallery in Vancouver in January, Bluerock Gallery in Black Diamond in March, publication in Deborah Catton's 'Artists in the Raw' which will be available in January, excited about teaching a young fledgling artist one-to-one as well as a few classes of students, plus contributing to an eBook titled 'She Tribe' on the wisdom of women - an honor to be involved.  

Put the finishing touches on two more canvases for the Bluerock Gallery exhibit in March, only five more to go - yes!  My goal is to have 19 new pieces to share, 7 larger pieces and 12 smaller ones.  It's been such a wonderful holiday, spending time with my family and also enjoying time in my studio, painting while listening to my new Tivoli stereo which has incredible, clear sound for such a small piece of equipment.  I've also inherited my husband's iPod shuffle to which I've uploaded my new Birdy CD (from my daughter), The Civil Wars, Melody Gardot, Of Monsters and Men...great painting music.

And my new Word-of-the-Year necklace, wisdom,  arrived from Beki Hastings of The Rusted Chain this morning and I love it.  It will be a gentle reminder for me to take the time to think before making any decisions over the next year.  Instead of making choices based on fear...of rejection, of being forgotten, of offending...take the time to breathe, pray, and consider if the choices I am making are the right ones right now.  I am so thankful to have these physical reminders as my daughters keep telling me that I have a 'yes' problem, I say 'yes' to everybody and every thing, even when it is not in my best interest.  So, though I love to be involved, to contribute, to help others, I am focusing this year on (hopefully) trusting in my own wisdom to do what is right for me.

I have finished painting 'The Hunt', a large piece measuring 4x5 feet.  I find it interesting, as I do this work, how the final image is unknown to me until it nears completion.  Early on I had added the word 'soar' (lower right corner) because it kept coming to me in dreams, and though the original drawings on the canvas included bison being chased by hunters, I kept thinking that both the hunters on their horses and the animals being hunted might feel a sense of stimulation, competition, daring - maybe not unlike the sense of thrill that a person feels during a game or adventure such as bungee jumping or sky diving.

I remember my husband once telling me a story about Carly Simon and, I think, Bruce Springstein.  She always had to struggle to overcome stage fright, feeling nauseous and anxious before every public event, feeling an overwhelming sense of fear.  Whereas he, though he experienced the same symptons, the same physiological response (heart beating fast, sweaty palms) viewed it as excitement and couldn't wait to get on the stage.

That's what I thought of (often) while I was painting this piece.  Everything really is a matter of perspective.  In the end I decided to include an eagle, which really embodies both fear and excitement in its strength.  It is just a bird and yet so powerful.  And it soars above us all.

Last night I dreamt that the area in which we live was slowly flooding, reminiscent of the Red River Flood in the prairies the year we moved away from Manitoba.  We had 15 minutes to pack what was really important to us (besides each other and pets) and when I awoke this morning I found it interesting to think about what I had selected in my dream - my jeans, sweaters & cowboy boots, a beloved painting from the 'Romance Dining' series by Grant Leier, a book titled 'Do What You Are' because I have my entire family's personality types along with notes written inside it, my Word-of-the-Year necklace and our photo album.

This morning I asked each of my daughters what they would select - my youngest chose a collector doll, Violet, along with some dresses that her grandmother made, her 'Wolfie' stuffed animal whom she's had since she was a little girl and an out of print book that was a gift from one of her elementary school teachers...my eldest said besides her favorite clothes she would grab her USB as all her photos, stories and poems are on it. 

What would you choose?

Recently I had a wonderful opportunity to speak into my experience of self-compassion as part of an e-course hosted by psychotherapist & musician Maggie Hollinbeck titled En{coeur}age.  I shared my story of growing up with a family history of clinical depression, alcoholism and suicide and how answering the call to creativity has really saved me. 

It's been a blessing for me not only to contribute to such a lovely, lovely project but also to hear the wisdom of other beautiful women. 

Even though my studio is painted a very dark chocolate brown, I often dream of a white walled studio filled with natural light.  I like to keep things neat and tidy as I find sparsity keeps me focused on the work in front of me and simplicity helps to keep my mind from being overwhelmed.  I also dream of working once again on large rolls of raw canvas as I did over fifteen years ago.  Perhaps at some point I will remove the carpet and everything but my taboret from my studio, paint everything white and play, play, play.  I dream of creating extremely large, organic, color-filled pieces.

The first studio is of one of my favorite artists, Georgia O'Keeffe - so bright and white.  The second space is that of Agnes Martin, a Canadian abstract painter whose space is probably my favorite.  Helen Frankenthaler is an artist whose work is really after my own heart...she used raw canvas and her entire body to create the most wonderful color field paintings.  Genie Maples is an emerging artist whose work (and space) is absolutely stunning and which reminds me of a lovely local artist's work, Cindy Delpart, but with even more vibrant color.  Lee Krasner, whose work I like even more than her husband Jackson Pollock's, makes me desperately want to convert our garage into a studio with large windows facing the garden.  And the final two photos, of German artist Conny Niehoff-Malerin and Dutch artist Willem de Kooning, just make me happy with their beautiful, beautiful paintings...and I love the fact that de Kooning used small tubes of paint, just like I do (I love squeezing out fresh paint).

I've felt a little bit like I'm in limbo lately and I know the reasons for it...Christmas is just around the corner and it has been a flurry of baking, shopping & wrapping at my house, while I am still waiting to see my eldest daugher (she comes home Friday!), and I have two large, looming (but positive) commitments to follow through on.  I've also recently read some fabulous books and now I'm struggling to find something else that interests me as much.  Do you ever experience those books that you can't wait to read, and yet, once you begin them they are a bit of a disappointment?  Well, that's my current read though I'm slogging through it because I really do believe it will be good in the end. 

Limbo isn't actually a bad place for me to be at times, it tends to draw me to my studio with a cup of tea, CBC radio and candlelight at 6.30 in the morning, which is a very good thing. It's interesting how my practice of avoidance is actually good for me as I head to my sanctuary and create.  The best medicine for anything that ails.  I currently have four canvases in progress and am considering beginning another.  I know I'm at the point in two of them to move forward, and have a good idea of the direction one is heading, but am enjoying this part of the process so much that I think I'll stay here for awhile.  The splattering, smooshing, dragging, layering, dabbing, wiping, dripping, extremely physical part of this process is quite soothing to me.  I have five other blank canvases ready to go, so I may just begin another today.  It's a good day.

For the past three years I've been selecting a Word-of-the-Year to set my intentions instead of making resolutions which I tended to forget as soon as I make them.  This was based on something I read by musician Christine Kane and I've found it to be monumental in my life.  Such a small gesture that is such a great guide.

I've been journaling for many years and beginning in 2010 I began to create a journal in honour of the word I select.  These journals consist of 250 pages and include almost daily writing, sketches, the odd painting, my annual horoscope, and sometimes shopping lists.  I don't limit them to anything in particular and never travel without one. 

I also have necklaces hand stamped with the word...it's such a pleasure to go back and look at them, and to wear them, too.  They are so beautiful and created by many talented artisans - Christine Taylor (my current necklace is in the second photo), Beki Hastings, Lisa Leonard, Stacy de la Rosa.

FEARLESS:  My 2010 word as I found I was getting caught up in the fear of how I was perceived by others and the fear of failure.  Whenever I noticed fear in myself, I would focus on my word and it helped me to overcome challenges, it actually helped me to be brave.

SURRENDER: I decided that 2011 would be a year of letting go of my history of control...of self and others...and allowing things to happen.  And, boy, did things happen.  Yes, both good and bad, but always in the end for the better.

STILL:  For 2012 I wanted to grow both as an artist and human being, and remembered the verse in Psalm 46:10 - 'Be still'.  I tend to feel like I have to do everything, you know, that sense of obligation.  Not only because I feel I should but because I worry that I don't do enough.  I actually went through a physical injury that forced stillness, and it seemed that everything that needed doing got done.  And I felt so much more peace in my life by allowing it.

For the past month I've been wondering about my word for 2013...actually I've been thinking of it occasionally since summer and the Serenity Prayer which was read at my graduation many, many years ago kept coming back to me:

WISDOM:  And, so I've finally chosen my word for 2013.  I am seeking the wisdom to trust my heart when I feel a pull to do something or head in a certain direction, and also to say 'no' or to stop whenever necessary...for me.